Closure

This is going to be a long post, so if you don't read it that's ok. It is mostly for me to get everything out and have closure.

Several years back, my best friend of many years embezzled money from our church and quite a large sum of money. She was the treasurer and I was the financial secretary. My position was to keep track of the tithing and sign checks only if necessary. She being the treasurer had complete control of the money. She did indeed supply reports to the Finance Committee and to the Admin Council, however NO ONE ever looked over her back and always accepted the reports she gave. Basically we trusted her and why should we not, she was the branch manager of a bank. GASP! Supposedly there were audits being done, but by someone she worked we at the bank - that was so not true. She used her bank position to move money from one church account to another and cash checks. yada, yada, yada and the story goes on and on and on.

The calls start coming in to the church about bills not being paid. Church people were complaining about not being able to cash reimbursement checks. This went on for several months. Obviously something is wrong, right? I discussed my concerns with our pastor many times, in which sometimes he ask her and sometimes he made up excuses, as did she. She was very smart at what she was doing and always and I do mean always had a great excuse for what ever question was presented to her.

Finally, after seeing that I am getting no where with answers that I needed. I decided to go to the bank and see for myself. I will never forget the day I did that, my husband said to me "do you really want to do this? what if you don't like what you find out?" I will never forget those questions. I really did not expect to find anything bad because she was going thru a really bad time and I thought she just was not making the deposits in a timely manner.

Man was I in for a HUGE shock! The church had a general account and several other "special fund" accounts. The general account was in the negative!! One special account had been closed and 2 other "special fund" accounts, which should of had large sums of money in them was empty. Something is not right, where has she put the money?

Moving on, basically she took the money, paid herself a salary monthly for a volunteer position(signing my name to the checks), wrote checks to her family members (again signing my name to the checks), sent her kids to college (again signing my name to the checks) and I have no idea what she did with the rest.

After many many months of putting the pieces together, bank visits, DA visits, lawyer visits, I just totally fell apart. I would go days without sleep, yes really daysssss with no sleep. Then came the headaches -really bad headaches and of course depression and anxiety. I no longer had the desire to exercise, thus comes the weight gain. I HAVE never been like this - I am always a strong person and a fixer. I was so tired of fighting the battle. It was all that I could do to get through work and life each day. The headaches got so bad that I had to go to a neurologist, CTs (in case I had a brain tumor). Finally on to the Psychiatrist. Between the two of them we finally found the right mix of meds to aid with the headaches. The headaches are better, but I still continue to see the psychiatrist.

I placed a lot of the blame on myself - why did I not see this before?? Now of course I can look back and see some signs that I totally missed.

For several years it was days of calls and meetings with the bank, lawyers, DA, pastor - over and over and over. Through all of this time I never saw her except the day we met at the lawyer's office and only at a distance. It upset me so bad to see her that I had to be put in another room while part of the mediation was going on.

Finally things were settled without having to go to court. Since that day I have not seen her, which is great because I had so much hatred, dislike, and questions for her. Yes, I prayed lots. God and I had many conversations over the years, but I could not get the closure I needed. I also thought that as a church we should have ministered to her and her family, but we didn't. What kind of people are we if we don't reach out to her? Yet I could not do it myself. I expressed the concern to many people, but no one wanted to go there. Why??? aren't we as Christians suppose to forgive, reach out to the lost sheep? So many mixed emotions.

I did have a great support system with my family - who was there for me every step along the way, but couldn't not always answer my questions, but gave me love. I also confided to my new BFF. She has been so helpful, considerate and a great listener. She was the outsider of the situation that I needed.

Finally I have felt in the last month that I am actually starting to make progress in letting go. I am actually feeling better - not at the TOP yet, but getting up and moving, smiling, laughing, enjoying life.

And then............last week I saw her - face to face we ran into each other at a pharmacy. She looked like she had seen a ghost and I was startled. She said hello in a low voice and I said Hi and went on my way. As I get into my car, suddenly it hits me - I had no bad thoughts toward her, this was not as bad as I thought it would be. I said nothing ugly, I did not have the urge to punch her out, trip her, or smack her. The only thing I felt was sorrow for her. WOW, I admit I was surprise with myself.

But then it happen, I finally have CLOSURE!

Praise God for always being there for me, for answering prayers in his time and not mine. For loving me no matter what, forgiving me of my sins, for his love for everyone, no matter who they are or what they have done in their lives. I pray that "she" has reached out to God for this guidance and forgiveness, and that she can pick up the pieces, move on and have closure.

Thank you my loving family and friends who have been there for me. May God bless you!

AAHHHHH! Life is good!